The scariest night of the year is almost here. If you're struggling to find a sufficiently scary costume for Halloween, try scaring people away by handing out one of these "treats" instead
We may not all be young enough to participate in trick-or-treating when Halloween rolls around, but that doesn’t mean most of us won’t still be consuming the goods.
Just because we’ve grown older, doesn’t mean our discerning Halloween candy palates have changed. And when inevitably the uneaten and picked over loot of trick-or-treating children ends up in the office lunchroom the next day, the quality of the candy surplus will have been determined by you and your coworkers.
So, if you’re looking for treats that will be a hit with a sweet tooth of any age, be sure to steer clear of these terrible treats, listed in no particular order.
These harvest-colour treats are Halloween icons. (Image: Flickr / juushika)
Labeled the “fruitcake of Halloween,” this quintessential candy is a divisive treat.
Some love the sugary tri-coloured triangles, others can’t get past the fact that it neither looks nor tastes like its namesake.
Suffice it to say trick-or-treaters won’t be very excited to see these ubiquitous sugar lumps hit their bags. Ditto those candy pumpkins that have an unsurprisingly similar taste.
Licorice Candy/Good & Plenty
Like black jelly beans, Good & Plenty candies are always passed over. (Image: Flickr / alicebartlett)
Akin to masking the vile taste of cough medication with “delicious” cherry and grape flavourings, Good & Plenty candies attempt to mask acrid licorice by coating it with bright shades of pink and white.
The pill shape is just a convenient coincidence, but if you were to bite into an actual prescription pill, we’re pretty sure the taste wouldn't be much worse.
Necco: Wafers, Candy Buttons and Mary Janes
The Necco Company has been concocting American classic candies since 1847, but there's nothing classic about the quality of their creations these days, nor the wholehearted rejection they receive when offered to anyone with functioning taste buds.
With flavours and textures ranging from unpleasant to downright bizarre (fruit smoothie Necco wafers, anyone?), Necco products have been an unpopular choice for years.
The chalky consistency of a bland Necco wafer, a sliver of paper with your candy button and an extra layer of wax over the dissatisfying combination of peanut butter and molasses found in Mary Janes—these are the disappointing experiences to be had when unwrapping certain Necco products.
Although their orange colour is indicative of the holiday, Circus Peanuts have no business being handed out on Halloween (Image: Flickr / katemonkey)
Similar to their cousin the packing peanut in texture, flavour and level of excitement, Circus Peanuts are unnatural orange-coloured marshmallow candies with a banana flavour—which makes complete and utter sense.
Unlike their beloved counterpart, the breakfast cereal marshmallow, Circus Peanuts are only worth consuming when added to Circus Peanut Salad.
These wax candies look better than they taste. (Image: Flickr / heyskinny)
It’s questionable whether “wax candy” even qualifies as a treat, since biting into the pliable surface of any waxy object feels like a visit to the dentist. And let’s be honest, the night of Halloween seems a bit late to be collecting pieces of a costume, and what other purpose would wax lips serve?
The oddly named Nik-L-Nip wax bottles that come in five colours of “juice”, but only one flavour (artificial) are no better. If you’re going to double package something (plastic wrapping and a useless wax shell?), at least make what’s inside worth the effort.
Generic Brand/Miscellaneous Hard Candy
If the company is too ashamed to label their products, they can't taste very good. (Image: Flickr / mullica)
Generic candy isn’t branded, because no company wants to affix their name to something that tastes like the inside of a shoe.
Inevitably, waxy chocolate coins that are likely comprised only of brown-coloured sugar, hard candies with oddly textured jelly centres and after dinner restaurant mints find a way of sneaking into the loot.
The lowest quality confection that can still be called candy, you would be better off hiding upstairs in your house with the lights off than trying to find takers for senior citizen candy year after year.
If there are going to be Halloween-themed candies, at least make them out of chocolate. (Image: Flickr / getdirectlydown)
Just because it looks Halloween themed doesn’t make it desirable.
Gum is nice after your morning cup of coffee, yes. Gum in the shape of an eyeball with flavour that lasts a whopping 5 seconds, not so much.
Hunks of rock-hard gum like Dubble Bubble might as well be classified as jawbreakers, because that’s what they’re likely to do.
Why waste time chewing flavourless gum when there are a wide variety of chocolate products waiting to be consumed?
Raisins are naturally sweet, which makes them no good as a Halloween treat. (Image: Flickr / qiaomeng)
Yes, raisins are not a type of candy, and that’s a distinction some treat givers seem to have overlooked.
Halloween is the one night out of the year when it’s acceptable for children and adults to load up on sweets and sustain euphoric sugar highs, which can only be achieved with highly processed, artificially-sweetened goodies.
So, save “nature’s candy” for ruining another holiday.
Other Holiday Treats
No one should ever, ever have to eat a Peeps marshmallow chick. (Image: Flickr / tboard)
So no one ate all the jellybeans and marshmallow Peeps from Easter (no one actually eats Peeps, they just use them creatively).
That means they should be heading for the trashcan, not a Halloween candy stash. Emptying the unused contents of your pantry into the hands of trick-or-treaters when they come knocking is not the answer.
Just because it’s individually wrapped, doesn’t mean it belongs in the category of “Halloween treat.” If you’re not going to use those individual packets of soy sauce or meal replacement bars, what is a sugar-hungry child going to do with them?
Pennies are the most frustrating "treat" to receive on Halloween. (Image: Flickr / richiebits)
Pennies are the bane of a trick-or-treater’s existence. True, no one wants to consume their Circus Peanuts and wax candy, but at least they’re made from edible ingredients (we think). Who wants to eat a penny?
The little old lady down the street might think she’s doing you and herself a favour by opting to let you chose your own treat, but the days of pennies as a viable gift are long. Creative uses for pennies these days include steadying a wobbly table or for making a wish. That's it.
Keep the mini toothbrushes and religious pamphlets too, lest they be later returned to you in a less than gracious manner.
Any terrible treats that we overlooked? Add them in the comments.