BCLiving takes you inside one of the most outrageously upmarket real estate offerings in the province

Address: 1116 Gladwin Road, Abbotsford

Price: $4,500,000

MLS: R2312455

The skinny: Nine-bedroom, nine-bathroom, 10,271-square-foot house on 10.67 acres in Abbotsford.

The bling: Enough with frippery and flounces: you need a dose of the hard stuff. No pain, no gain, right? Oh yes, it’s time to put the padding to one side and get lean and mean and uncompromising with your surroundings. Geometry rules, dude. Shades of grey only serve to distract you from your purpose in life—you need straight lines, hard edges, stripes, squares…don’t just embrace the box, live in it. Being rich can be a little bewildering, we know—the lack of boundaries make each day a veritable smorgasbord of pointless amusement and easy gratification. And that will never do. Oh no. You need to put that pleasure principle in its place. Discipline in everything must be your mantra if you are ever to rise beyond being rich in Abbotsford to being rich in a place where your colossal cash will buy you some actual cultural cachet. And if an alienating, monochromatic exile isn’t enough to push you to reach those financially preposterous heights then frankly, my dear, this ugly, repeating nightmare of a monster home may turn out to be your métier. It’s good to know the true measure of your innate mediocrity, isn’t it?

The hidden extras: Surveillance system, raspberry plants, media room, bar, three shops.

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